We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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