there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
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Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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