I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
