hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
