Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
