I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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