So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
