I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
