On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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