If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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