and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
