Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
