Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
