shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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