Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
