Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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