a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
