Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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