Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
sarcasm needs its own font
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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