Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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