I just saw a hot homeless man
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
