2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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