its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
