That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
