i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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