Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
