I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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