im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
