You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
