I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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