i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck