My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
A bitchslap is in order.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
