dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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