I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
