I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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