I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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