When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
