I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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