I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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