I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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