I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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