I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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