The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
