you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
