I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
