His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
