I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
