girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
