I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
