maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
