What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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