I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
