So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
