my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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