end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
there is puke in my bra ... again
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