Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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