its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
