Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
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Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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