just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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