omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
